Thinking About Grace...Part 1

I've been in ministry now for twenty-one years. I've served three local churches and sought to touch the lives of many, many people. I've been in countless hospitals, nursing homes and potlucks. I've preached lots and lots of sermons and taught more Bible studies than I can count. I've drank a lot of Starbucks. I've been blessed by acts of kindness and cut by cruel remarks. Most days I enjoy my job, but there are other days...well, that's probably better left unsaid. I'm almost forty-seven years old, and I've realized I'm at somewhat of a midpoint in my career, in my active ministry...and that thought has caused me, over the last year or so, to begin reflecting on why I do what I do. And do I want to keep doing it?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not looking for pity, sympathy, or even encouragement to do something else. Because what it's really caused me to do is to think about grace and the way I've experienced it.

I grew up in a grace-filled environment. My parents supported, encouraged and showed grace to my brother and I in so many different ways that I can't begin to list or even remember them all. And yet, when it came to church, I don't remember hearing a lot about it. If I did, I blocked it out and managed to hear mainly about all the ways we could disappoint, hurt or offend God. There were things we were supposed to do and things we were definitely not supposed to do. And though I doubt it was ever said this way, I got the idea that you were supposed to do enough good things to outweigh the bad in order to get into heaven (a common American heresy). Yes, there was always the emphasis on accepting Jesus as your savior, but there was still "the list," the things you were to do in order to make Jesus happy so that he didn't turn his back on you. And if you messed up, it was going to be a long time before God was happy with you again.

I don't ever remember hearing about "salvation by works," but I certainly grew up thinking that's how you did it. Do enough good things, get into heaven. Do enough bad things, God will abandon you. Now, I freely admit that those ideas may have been the ones that stuck because I tend to be a driven, "get it right the first time" first-born child. I am a product of my American culture: you have to earn what you get, there is no such thing as a free lunch, and so on.

I don't know that it got any better when I was in college. I am forever thankful for my friend who connected me with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. I could not have received better Bible teaching or training than I did with IVCF. They taught me how to lead small groups. They taught me to read the Bible with greater understanding. They helped hone my leadership skills (seriously, who puts in a sophomore as president of the local chapter?). And they were very patient with me, showing me much grace. But I had heard all those stories of people who went to college and "lost their faith," and I was determined not to be one of them. So I continued to live a faith "by the rules." Like a good Pharisee, many of the rules were ones I invented (though I wouldn't have admitted it at the time).

And rules like that become a stifling heat wave, oppressive, wearing you out. Because, honestly, we can't begin to keep all the rules. And, to be honest, we spend so much time seeing if others are breaking our rules that we tend to slip into judgmentalism and legalism. That "step" or slip is easy! It becomes all about the rules and we get further and further away from Jesus. I would read about Jesus taking on the Pharisees, challenging their rules, and I would cheer him on. "Get them, Jesus. Show them where they're wrong!" All the time, I missed the irony: I was also one of the Pharisees, and Jesus was getting ready to take me on with the fresh air of grace.