Tear and Mend

There is a time for everything... "a time to tear and a time to mend..." (Ecclesiastes 3:7).

I like the way The Message paraphrases this verse: there is "a right time to rip out and another to mend." The image there is of a hem in a garment, and sometimes, as circumstances change, the hem has to be let out or put in. When I was younger, and my brother and I were growing quickly, my parents would often buy jeans that were a bit too long and them "hem them up." That way, they didn't have to buy new jeans again next week. As we grew, the hem would be let out so that the jeans still fit. (Because then, unlike now, we grew up instead of out.) There was a time to rip out and then a time to put the hem back, to mend.

But I think this verse is about more than garments. Much of what The Teacher has been sharing here is applicable in daily life, and particularly in relationships. And there are times when our circle of relationships grows and when it gets smaller. Sometimes that is part of the natural rhythm of life, and other times it happens because of a disastrous interaction. Psychology reminds us that there are simply people in the world who are not safe. For whatever reason, they live out of their own hurt, anger and damage, and rather than seek healing they instead turn that hurt, anger and damage on others.

Some folks want to try to help these people, but unless you have had training, that's going to be a difficult if not impossible thing to do. There comes a time to tear, to "rip out," to disengage because to remain connected will do you damage and cause you harm.

But The Teacher also says there can some a time to mend. Sometimes, with appropriate care, those relationships can be mended, renewed. Hurtful things that were done can be and should be forgiven. That doesn't mean, as we often think, that we place ourselves back in a relationship with that other person, setting ourselves up to be hurt again. Forgiveness doesn't mean we just welcome them back fully into our lives. Mending doesn't mean everything will be as it was before. You can mend a wound or tape up a tear in a piece of paper or cloth and things will be better, but they won't be as they were before. Forgiveness can happen, and reconciliation can even happen, without sacrificing wisdom.

There is a time to tear and a time to mend. Both are appropriate. Make sure you know which season you are in.