Heart Journey: One Month In

I don't know about you, but I'm generally better at discerning God's handiwork in the rear view mirror, after I have been given a bit of time and developed some perspective. I envy those who seem to be able to discern that God is working right here and right now, but for me, I'm a bit slower at seeing it, I guess. However, that doesn't make me any less thankful.

My "new heart" is one month old today. It's still ticking and clicking along, and the noise is still driving me crazy, but my beautiful wife reminds me that it's a sign of life, a good noise, a hopeful sound. I'm hoping one day to be able to hear it that way! It seemed to me, though, that the "month marker" is a good time to look back and give thanks (especially since I just heard a sermon on gratitude).

I think David (the psalmist/king) often saw God's hand in the rear view mirror as well. Many of the psalms he is said to have written are looking back at events that happened earlier in his life. Whether he wrote the psalms right away or years later, we really have no idea. But grateful he was, and his sort of gratitude is what I aspire to.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.

This last month has been a leading beside a lot of quiet waters, and there have been a lot of times when I have had to lie down. God, in the midst of this surgery and recovery, has put me in a place where I'm not comfortable and a situation I'm not used to: rest. I have always been very driven, especially when it comes to the church and to God's kingdom, to make a difference, to do what I'm called to do. I have never forgotten the words of John Wesley that are read at every United Methodist ordination service: "Never be triflingly employed." But when you have a life-threatening medical issue, you have to slow down. And these times remind me that God also has a place for us to find rest, to sit still beside quiet waters and to remember that the world can go on without us. God can handle his kingdom and his church (because it is his, not mine) just fine. So I've been resting. A lot.

He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.

I've also read. A lot. I'm thankful for the time to be able to do that, to soak myself in some of the best scholarship and inspiration that's out there. (I've also read my fair share of science fiction, so don't go thinking I'm being too pious here!) And if I've snuck in some longer-range sermon planning while reading...well, that's between me and God!

Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

I've been in the darkest valley, and sometimes during these days I still wander by there. The first week or so out of the hospital was very difficult (if you remember, I even ended back in the hospital for a night). There were moments, evenings, parts of days where I believed I couldn't do this, I couldn't go on. I honestly believe and will testify that the only thing that kept me going in those moments is the love and grace of God and the unfailing support and love of my wife and family. To be blunt, recovery stinks. It's hard. I still get tired far too easily, but for the most part I've been delivered from the darkest valley at this stage. I am forever thankful for the God who walks with us even in those darkest times.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

I don't know that I've eaten lately in the presence of any enemies, but God through our church family has certainly prepared tables for us. We have been overly blessed and well-fed throughout these weeks as folks have lovingly dropped off chicken and stew and brownies and soup and apple pie and pork chops and all sorts of other wonderful meals. In the first couple of weeks, I lost ten pounds, which was a good thing, but now I'm afraid that as my appetite begins to return, I may just find those pounds again! We have also been blessed over and over again with cards, notes, texts and Facebook messages. I haven't been able to respond to all of them, but know that I am beyond grateful and every word has meant the world to me and to all of us.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

Overall, when I take a step back from the experience, I can see how God's goodness and love has indeed been in the midst of it all. My blood levels are getting closer to where they need to be (last week's last check found my numbers at the very bottom of the "acceptable" range). While I still have pain (please don't hug me!), the pain is less now than it was. I still get tired, but I am able to get out and about some (though I'm not driving yet). I have more people who want to help than we have things that need to be done. I am grateful.

There is still healing to happen, but thank you for all your prayers this last month. I can indeed look back and see God's goodness and love—shown, as always, though his people. God is good...all the time. Amen.