If I Could Do It Over Again...

Today is the first time in a long time we didn't have anyone going back to school. I watched everyone post those "first day of school" pictures and I had nothing to offer! In the last few months, since our youngest graduated from high school, I've been doing a lot of reflecting. It's a strange time in life. Our kids are both living with us right now, but in essence they need us for very little. They are in that phase of life between dependence and independence, and we, their parents, are learning our new roles in their lives as well as theirs in ours.

The question that kept coming back to me today was this: if I could do it all over again, what would I do differently? And the more I thought about it, only one thing kept surfacing in my mind and heart: I would pay attention better. I don't know how I have done as a father; I'm not sure anyone ever really knows the answer to that question. The author Robert Fulghum once said you only get a glimpse of what kind of a parent you were when you see your kids with their kids. But I've realized that, in the midst of the kids growing up, we were so busy with life that I rarely slowed down long enough to notice what was really happening. These children were somehow growing, maturing, becoming the fine young adults they are now, and it feels like it happened so fast that I missed way too much of it. I was focused on the details, far too consumed with my own worries and anxieties. Every major regret I have is of a moment missed, an opportunity squandered.

When I walk by a playground, as I did today, and see a parent with their nose buried in their phones while their children are playing (sometimes the kids are even begging for a parent to "watch!"), I want to go smack the phone out of their hands and say to them, "Pay attention!" (I don't, but I want to!) As a young parent, I didn't even have the distraction of the internet in my pocket (thank God!), and I still should have done a better job of paying attention. When I see families gathered around a dinner table, all staring at their screens, no one talking to anyone else, the same compulsion comes over me. Now I'm starting to sound old and grouchy (get off my lawn!), but what I'm really feeling is the weight of responsibility. Pay attention! Children are only given to us for a short time, and it's over almost before it even begins.

I'm not upset. I'm not feeling down. Just reflective, and hoping to pay better attention in this part of my life than I have before.