Heart Journey: Pumping Iron

There is a balance in recovery between resting and renewing activity. Right now, I realize I'm primarily in the resting stage. With the many restrictions I have physically, there's not too much I am allowed to do, but that doesn't change the desire inside me to have this recovery behind me, to move on, and to really learn to live in this "brand new world" I find myself in.

And yet the challenges keep presenting themselves. Friday, almost as soon as I pushed the "publish" button on the blog, my blood pressure crashed so quickly I could literally feel it happen. Thankfully, we were on the way to the doctor for a blood check, and while there, the doctor decided I was over-medicated in regards to my blood pressure. Removing one of the medicines brought me back to a balance I could live with, but it didn't happen immediately.

On Saturday, I got the pleasure of attending—well, about half of the Indiana State Homecoming Parade. I desperately wanted to go because my daughter's dance team was part of the parade, and this being her senior year, it was her last time to be in it. So we went, and I had grand designs of going to brunch at Cracker Barrel after the parade, but my energy was shot just being out there for about an hour. I didn't feel rested until late into the afternoon. I'm continually reminded and amazed and how God has made this body of mine (and yours) into an integrated whole. It's not like one part can be removed and the rest of the body be okay. The smallest part affects the whole. I know that, on an intellectual level, but until you've been through something like this, you don't really know it.

Today I learned my hemoglobin levels continue to drop, currently at about half of where they should be for a "normal" human male (though there is some debate as to whether I fall into the "normal" category or not), so I will be "pumping iron" for the foreseeable future—thankfully in the form of iron pills, because no one needs to see me in bodybuilder garb. Cathy has been telling me I've looked pale, to which I have been saying it's just my Stuart look:

So every day is a new challenge, or a new opportunity. And yet, I remain thankful for the healing that is happening, even when it's not happening on the schedule or at the pace I wish it would. Adjusting my expectations is not easy, letting things go that I see I could do is incredibly hard, and watching my family members have to take on more responsibility to "cover" for me feels very lazy. But this phase of resting is only temporary so that I can move to recovery and renewal. These things I know, even if knowing them doesn't make it any easier.

One of my favorite hymns is one a lot of people don't know, and by God's providence, our choir sang it the Sunday before my surgery. I'm trying to live into it, and maybe you need these words as well. First, the words, then my favorite recording of "Jesus, I Am Resting."

Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am find out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart
Thou has bid me gaze upon Thee
And Thy beauty fills my soul
For by Thy transforming power
Thou has made me whole

O, how great Thy loving kindness
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O, how marvelous Thy goodness
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee Beloved
Know what wealth of grace is Thine
Know Thy certainty of promise
And have made it mine

REFRAIN
Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of The loving heart

Ever lift Thy face upon me
As I work and wait for Thee
Resting ‘neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus
Earth’s dark shadows flee
Brightness of my Father’s glory
Sunshine of my Father’s face
Keep me ever trusting, resting
Fill me with Thy grace

REFRAIN