Am I Centered on Self?
Read Philippians 2:3-4.
Full question: Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?
Wow...three questions crammed into one! Let's take them one at a time, shall we?
Self-conscious. Philosophically, this means to be aware of one's own existence. So, yes, I am! But more commonly, this compound word or phrase means being overly concerned with how we look, act or behave. Yes, I suppose I am that as well. I suppose I always have been, but twenty-five years in the pulpit has made me more so. I remember early on in my ministry walking by someone in the congregation; I honesty did not see them and was immersed in an issue that was happening in the church. But that person was hurt and, let's just say I heard about it from the Staff-Parish Committee (personnel committee for you non-United Methodists). I have become very self-conscious, and still very often get it wrong. Should I be? Probably not as much as I am. What I need to learn is how to entrust my "image" or "reputation" to God and let go what others think of me. But that's not easy.
Self-pitying. Can I say "pass"? There are days when I am, yes, self-pitying. There have been seasons in my life where I "feel sorry for myself." Something often comes along to clarify my vision, though. When Rachel was going through some difficulties health-wise, early on in her life, I very clearly remember a day when I was feeling sorry for all of us—her, me, Cathy, the whole lot (maybe not Christopher at that point)—and then we had to take her to Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis. There, I got a clarified vision: there were so many children who had so many bigger challenges than we did. It led me to pray for them rather than pity myself. Clarity is a gift.
Self-justifying. Oh, don't we all have a gift for self-justifying? Turn on the news any day and you get to listen to all sorts of people self-justify. I have a strong strain of that as well, but over the last fifteen years or so, I've learned to calm down and not always have to be right. Is part of that having teenagers during that time, and you know you're never right with teenagers? Well, that could be some of it. But I also remember a time when we had a big church meeting to make a significant decision on the future of the church. I can still tell you where I sat, and I can tell you where my chief antagonist sat. That afternoon, to prepare myself, I went to pray into the room where we were going to meet that night. And in the silence, I remember God saying to me, "You don't have to be right." But, God, this is how it should go. My idea, my plan is the best! "Maybe, but you don't have to be right. Trust them to make the decision." And I did. I went into that meeting perhaps more relaxed than any other "big meeting" I've ever been a part of, because I didn't have to be right. (They did decide to do what I had proposed, but I learned to keep quiet and let the discussion play out without me justifying why what I thought was right.)
Yes, I am all of these from time to time. But when I ask a question like this, I am thankful for memory that reminds me I am not what I was and gives me hope that I will not be what I am. I am "going on" to perfection.
Or at least on to week 3!
Full question: Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?
Wow...three questions crammed into one! Let's take them one at a time, shall we?
Self-conscious. Philosophically, this means to be aware of one's own existence. So, yes, I am! But more commonly, this compound word or phrase means being overly concerned with how we look, act or behave. Yes, I suppose I am that as well. I suppose I always have been, but twenty-five years in the pulpit has made me more so. I remember early on in my ministry walking by someone in the congregation; I honesty did not see them and was immersed in an issue that was happening in the church. But that person was hurt and, let's just say I heard about it from the Staff-Parish Committee (personnel committee for you non-United Methodists). I have become very self-conscious, and still very often get it wrong. Should I be? Probably not as much as I am. What I need to learn is how to entrust my "image" or "reputation" to God and let go what others think of me. But that's not easy.
Self-pitying. Can I say "pass"? There are days when I am, yes, self-pitying. There have been seasons in my life where I "feel sorry for myself." Something often comes along to clarify my vision, though. When Rachel was going through some difficulties health-wise, early on in her life, I very clearly remember a day when I was feeling sorry for all of us—her, me, Cathy, the whole lot (maybe not Christopher at that point)—and then we had to take her to Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis. There, I got a clarified vision: there were so many children who had so many bigger challenges than we did. It led me to pray for them rather than pity myself. Clarity is a gift.
Self-justifying. Oh, don't we all have a gift for self-justifying? Turn on the news any day and you get to listen to all sorts of people self-justify. I have a strong strain of that as well, but over the last fifteen years or so, I've learned to calm down and not always have to be right. Is part of that having teenagers during that time, and you know you're never right with teenagers? Well, that could be some of it. But I also remember a time when we had a big church meeting to make a significant decision on the future of the church. I can still tell you where I sat, and I can tell you where my chief antagonist sat. That afternoon, to prepare myself, I went to pray into the room where we were going to meet that night. And in the silence, I remember God saying to me, "You don't have to be right." But, God, this is how it should go. My idea, my plan is the best! "Maybe, but you don't have to be right. Trust them to make the decision." And I did. I went into that meeting perhaps more relaxed than any other "big meeting" I've ever been a part of, because I didn't have to be right. (They did decide to do what I had proposed, but I learned to keep quiet and let the discussion play out without me justifying why what I thought was right.)
Yes, I am all of these from time to time. But when I ask a question like this, I am thankful for memory that reminds me I am not what I was and gives me hope that I will not be what I am. I am "going on" to perfection.
Or at least on to week 3!
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